God,
Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful, smart, kind hearted, hilarious boy kid. You knew exactly what I needed when you sent him to me. He has made me pee on myself from laughing so hard and he has scared You right out of me on a few occasions.
I know that you have a special plan for every soul that you send to Earth. I know that there is a reason that you entrusted him to me and I pray that I am leading him down the right path and that he becomes everything that You intend for him to be.
As his mother I have a few requests. I, in no way, want to interfere with the plans you have for him and only want him to be happy, healthy and kind. Tonight I ask that you bless him by:
1. Make him clumsy, cant walk without falling, trips over air, looks drunk clumsy. Clumsy kids don't make the football team and I can't bare seeing my sweet little boy being tackled by a 200lb monster in pads and a helmet. We have to protect that brilliant brain of his and I can't see myself telling him he can't play football..or his dad listening when I try to. My life would be so much easier if you would just make him clumsy.
2. Make him unpopular. Not so unpopular that kids torture him daily just unpopular enough that all of the "friendly" girls aren't chasing him like a dog after a bone.
3. Make him smart. Smart enough to get into Harvard or Yale (with a scholarship because out of state tuition is ridiculous) but not so smart that he spends all of his time with his nose in books and doesn't really enjoy life. Or so smart that he is one of those weird "brainy" people that you can't carry on a conversation with because they know everything and point out all of your mistakes. 2 steps above average should be a perfect spot.
4. Make him kind. Not so kind that he is a push over but not so hard that he is a jerk.
5. Make him successful, just not too successful. Allow him to earn enough money for his family to enjoy the finer things in life and to afford to send his parents on vacation every year. And to pay our bills..he owes us. Remember that out of state tuition?? Don't let him be one of those people that always works and ignores his family.
6. Instill in him a love and pride for his heritage. Show him how blessed he is to be the son of a mother from Louisiana. Give him the strength to stand before his father's family and proudly, loudly say Who Dat. Show him that Death Valley is one to be feared and that Auburn sucks.
7. Show him true love..just after college. Through high school and college daily whisper to him how girls are yucky and that he should stay away from them. After college I ask that you introduce him to true lasting love.
8. Make him infertile, just until college is over. Sometimes boys are stubborn and don't listen to little whispers from God. If he does choose to ignore that please make him infertile so I am not raising another baby while he is off at Yale.
9. Protect him from the dangers of being an ignorant teenager. Every Friday night please bless him with a sever case of diarrhea that will prevent him from going to wild, drunken, drug filled teenage parties. If you are unable to make him infertile through college this will be a great help with #8.
10. Make him a strong husband and dad. At this point he will be grown and successful. Bless him with children..many children. Children that talk nonstop, every waking minute of every day. Boys that can't hit the toilet bowl. Boys that manage to pee on the ceiling. Boys that hide poptarts under their beds, get tooth paste all over the bathroom and do everything possible to annoy their baby sister until she is screaming bloody murder. Boys just like him but a little worse just so he understands just what his mom and dad went through.
I know this is a lot to ask and I understand if it is not all possible. I truly only want my son to have the best life possible.
Amen.
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