Thursday, September 11, 2014

No Regrets

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way
 Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you"

I have said it a million times..I am weird with a super sized side of crazy. I'm not ashamed. I embrace the crazy and display it proudly for the world to see. One of my most used comments, to Brandon, is “I'm not a girl”. I'm not helpless. I don't need to be taken care of or saved. I can hang a picture, mow the grass, check the oil and change a flat tire. Ok, by change a flat tire I mean I can stand beside the car on the side of the highway, bat my pretty blue eyes and get a line of guys to volunteer to change my tire. That is if it's a day that I decided to brush my hair, wear makeup and change out of my comfy pajama pants. For all of those other days I have Brandon and Ricky on speed dial. I don't express emotions. Ok, ok, ok...I am an expert at expressing anger lol. Very loudly and very very often. I don't get excited. Brandon could pull up in my dream car (a loaded out Cadillac XTS..just like the one he had to give back except in charcoal grey. Only 20k more miles to go on the Enclave and hopefully a new Cadillac will be sitting in my yard!) and my response would be to smile and say thank you. I'm not the lovey, huggy, clingy type. I'm basically a boy with girl parts lol.

I'm a strong willed independent woman. I'm opinionated. Sarcasm flows from my face like Niagra Falls. I'm not patient. I hate to cook. I own a laundry couch..the place where all of the clean laudry goes because who has time to fold laundry?! I'm hard to handle and even harder to live with. It takes a special type of person to deal with me, especially for long periods of time. I don't apologize for who I's me and I don't see anything wrong with that.

I haven't had the perfect, easy, fairy tale life. I've experienced loss. I have had my heart broken. I have been screwed over and I have screwed people over. I have suffered. I have made mistakes and I have regrets..and I am the person I am because of it. I am not overwhelmed with Ainsley's health problems because I know, from past experiences, that we can handle anything that is thrown at us.

I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter that I am thankful for everyday. If I had not made one of the biggest bad decisions of my life I would not have her. There is good in every bad decision we make. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Had I not been a stupid 18 year old that thought I knew everything I would not have this mouthy, hormonal, hardheaded, beautifully amazing kid in my life.

My first marriage was the definition of a bad marriage. I was miserable. I stayed for years, I'm not really sure why but I did. Looking back, I think it was a good thing. I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need. I'm sure I would have been a much happier person if I had left earlier but where would I be now? Would my life be anything like it is now? Would I have met Brandon or have Chris and Ainsley? I don't know. I like to think I would but there is no way to know that for sure.

I don't give Brandon enough credit for putting up with me. It hasn't been an easy or always pleasant 8 years but we've made it. I'm sure there are days that he wonders what he got himself into. All of the mistakes and regrets led us to each other. Every choice that I thought ruined my life or threw me off course was just a detour to where I was suppose to be. I took the long, scenic route. It sure was a lot harder and longer than the straight route but I eventually made it. I have the stories, scars and experience to show for it. Hopefully, there is an even bigger reason for all of it. Maybe my kids will look at my detour and make better decisions. If my mistakes save them from making just 1 bad choice it was all worth it.

I really believe I am where I should be right now. I have work to do but there is always work to do. I got lucky the day that my path crossed Brandon's. Yes, he had his issues and I seem to have fixed most of those :) I think we have changed each other for the better. I have straightened him out and he has loosened me up. He was the goof ball and I was the serious one. I think we have rubbed off on each other and are a nice mix of both now. I will always be the more serious one but I think that is my mom side coming out.

I no longer regret my regrets. I embrace them. I give credit and thanks to my broken road for bringing me to where I am now. God has a plan for our lives. We may get off at the wrong exit but we will always end up where we were meant to be. If you ever feel like you can't overcome your mistakes or that life is hopeless please try to remember that there is a reason for everything that you go through. Today is preparing you for tomorrow. There will be days that you think that you have messed up so bad that there is no coming back, but there is. You will end up where you are meant to be and you will look back realizing that you are better for it.

No comments:

Post a Comment